It is Mine!

Do you sometimes experience that feeling when a certain poem or text or book makes so much sense to you that it scares you and leaves you wondering why you could feel so connected to that particular piece? I am not talking about those moments when you read a text and something inside you just clicks and you nod at your book saying ‘I know what you mean…’. It is more of a feeling where your inside just goes on filling itself as you go on reading and by the end of your read; you are so full of what you have just read, that you simply sit there, bewildered at the connection you feel with what’s in front of you, and try as you may, you can’t explain that feeling to anyone in words. You can only hope for them to feel the same way when they read it too.

I get these feelings once in a while; although they are not as frequent as I would wish for them to be. I am guessing this is what music does to some people, but I can’t be sure. I got this feeling when I read Lolita, and believe me, I am not attracted to young girls and I was never sexually abused as a child. I took my time reading her, and it just kept filling in. By the end of it, I felt so connected to the book (still am), that I refused to share her with anybody. I felt very possessive of her and felt unnecessarily protective when my friends wanted to borrow my copy. I tried making lame excuses and finally decided to tell them the truth, “Not giving you Lolita, any other book you want?” but, since they never cared for my weirdness, they borrowed my book anyway and I, confusingly enough, I felt very insecure. I started worrying about what if they didn’t get the book like I did? What if nothing fills up inside them and what if they found Humbert Humbert a complete pervert and could add nothing more to the story? And worst of all was what if they did get the book like I did? I didn’t want that either because, I wanted what I felt to be solely mine. I wanted be the special one who experienced this feeling and wanted to feel bad for the general public who will never experience what I felt.

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