The yearning for desert

Stranded in the desert, with no sight of human activity for miles around me, I want to panic, but I am too confused and unsure about this reality to panic. “This is bliss isn’t it? No more noises, no more interaction. Just the two of us… We can live whatever life we choose. No need to answer anyone. No need to follow any norm”. “In this desert!? There is no life around us. Not a single person to be seen. Nobody to run to for help” I argued. But her face remained impassive. It always was like that. Even in the most terrible of circumstances, her face would remain like none of whatever happens around us matters. None of this could affect us. With a soft smile and a satisfied sigh she replied, “Look around you. The clear water, the plants, the creatures crawling… This is life. It is the desert life. You won’t need to run anywhere for help because there are no people around. And anyway,” she turned to face me, her face bringing some kind of a haunting calmness with it, “I am here with you, aren’t I?”

She turned back to pick on the swollen leaves beside her, humming a tune only she knew. I still wished I could panic. I wanted to feel scared, terrified even, lonely and helpless. But all I could feel was that sense of haunting calmness that her voice brought to me. I shut my eyes to bring myself back to reality, where I can feel… anything… But that didn’t help. She looked at me again and shook her head at what I was trying to do. “Don’t… Don’t be like that. This is what you wanted. Freedom, space, time… somewhere far away from everything that exhausts you with its existence. This is what you have been yearning for. Now that you have it, don’t squeeze yourself out of it”. She leaned forward and placed something green on my lips. I took it in my mouth, something juicy, something alive. Definitely alive! I twirled it around in my mouth, squishing it against the roof of my mouth with my tongue. She was watching me, smiling at me. She looked like she approved.

I stayed there staring out at the vastness of my yearning and she decided to wander around for a while, leaving me with my thoughts. As soon as she was out of sight, they all rushed back in, the panic, the fear, the loneliness, the disgusting taste in my mouth and pure helplessness, and I lie there in the sand, tightly bound with thick cables that were eating into my flesh every time I struggled. I screamed out for help, cried out in pain. I forgot to breathe and began gasping for air, gulping in the icy cold air and screaming some more as they pierce into my insides. I began wriggling like a worm trying to catch the attention of someone, anyone. Sand entered into my nose, my mouth, my ears, but I didn’t stop. Not even for a second. I screamed and cried as loud as I can and I heard her.

She was walking towards me. Calm face, soft smile, her dark hair training behind her, touching her softly on the side of her face. “You are alright”, she said. And suddenly, I was. Once again that feeling of nothing rushed inside my, pushing out everything else. She helped me sit up and adjusted the binds. She helped me to some water and said, in a whisper, “That was why you wanted to leave. All of those terrible feelings, eating you inside, rotting your mind and killing you. You won’t ever feel like that again here, with me. You didn’t want to be left like that and that is why you have me to take care of you. You trust me, remember?” and once again, I looked at her face, those haunting eyes and her long, long hair blowing in the wind, caressing her face and mine and I nodded. Yes, I remember, she is the only one I trust. There is nobody else, just her. She is the only one who is real, who is true. Everybody else was always pretending. No more of that. No! And I tucked her deep inside my mind, safe and protected from everything in the outside. No matter what they say or what they show me, she will remain right there. Deep inside, where she has always been. Keeping me safe, showing me the truth. Just her and me…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s