He was it

“I am pregnant”, she declared to him after a long thoughtful sigh. Silence. More silence. Her ears began to ring with her own heartbeat and for the umpteenth time she tried hard to find a way to go back in time and decide to not get in bed with him even though she had been waiting for him since high school. “No!” said his strained voice. “No no no no… This cannot be happening! Shit!! NO! Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? Was there anybody else after that night?” the voice continued, increasing in decibels as it went on. She expected these questions and had mentally prepared herself to deal with them, but it still stabbed her hard in the heart when he said them out loud like that. Almost like he hoped there was a chance that there was somebody else. That hope in his voice began tearing her apart inside, but she knew she had to stay strong and not create a scene. This was her mess to deal with, she already knew that. He didn’t want much to do with her after their night anyway, “Let’s take it slow. All of this intensity is kinda scaring me. I am sure you are freaking out too! hehe… I guess it’s because we know each other from school, but we are completely different people now. It’s almost as if I picked you up in a bar, isn’t it” he had asked, “Yea…”  she had replied. But it wasn’t like that for her. He was it for her, and she knew that in her head since school. So when they met at a reunion and spent the whole evening chatting with each other and later decided to spend the night together, it wasn’t weird for her. It was it for her. She tried to rationalise his position and even though it physically hurt her, decided that he was right about taking things slow, treating it like some abrupt and impulsive decision which could possibly mean nothing in future in the meantime. So she had stayed away for a while, she needed that for herself, to save herself from madly falling in love with this person who has been in her head since they finished school, because of whom she never could be with anybody else. She went on a holiday to her friends in the corner of the country only to find out two weeks later that she was pregnant. She prepared herself for the worst when she decided that she had to tell him, but no amount of preparation could protect her from the wounds he was causing her.

In a calm voice she replied, “It’s yours. I haven’t been with anybody else”. He looked at her, still hoping that she would change her answer, then realised what he had asked and added, “I only asked because you haven’t returned any of my calls. We have been completely out of touch and we didn’t really know what to do, right?” She took a deep breath, trying to control the agony, anger and frustration which were taking over her and looked him in the eye and said, “Listen, I know this is the last thing you want to hear right now. I understand that! It’s not what I want either. I just thought I should inform you since, you know, you are sort of a large part of this too. But that was my only intention here. I am sorry that this happened, I really am!” “Yea, I am sorry too” he said, his voice drifting away into some dark thoughts. She was running out of patience. She needed some sort of support, reassurance, affection… Hell! She needed somebody to bloody love her and hold her hand through all this. Somebody who will allow her to collapse just once only to gather her up and walk through all of this with her. She wasn’t getting that here, so she decided to leave. I have already booked an appointment. I am heading there right now. I just thought that you should know, but now I feel like it probably wouldn’t have mattered even if I hadn’t told you. Anyway… I better get going“. He looked at her, confused and maybe a bit relieved and said, I am just having trouble processing all this. Will you be alright by yourself at the doctors? I could come with you if you want”. “No thanks”, she replied, with a smile on her face and walked out of his office.

A week later, she lay in her bed, still nursing the shocks of the last few weeks. Her phone rang to inform her that he was calling. She answers the phone, without the usual burst of happiness, the flutter in her heart, the lightness in her head; she answers it like how she would answer a call from an operator.

“Hey. Um… How are you?” he asked.

“I am fine. How are you?”

“Good, good… how did the appointment go?”

“It went well. It was a quick procedure. I was home the same evening.”

“Oh, okay. I tried calling you, and left a couple of messages too.”

“I got them. I was just caught up with a lot of things here. I did leave you message saying it went fine.”

“Yes. I got that. Listen… I just feel really shitty about how I behaved that day. I was in shock and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like everything was crumbling around me. I should’ve been more helpful, more supportive. Please let me take you out to dinner, or at least a coffee. Let’s just sit and talk. For real.”

She waited for the usual reactions from her body and mind that she is used to, but her entire system had shut down. She felt nothing. Not even hate or anger.

“It’s really not necessary. If there isn’t anything else, I would like to go now. I am a bit caught up at the moment. Thanks for calling! Bye!”

It was gone. Her “it” was gone.

 

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